an old voice in my head (that's holding me back)
by Sotong sotong
Summary: A small piece of Fai-centric character introspection and hints of underlying KuroFai. Beware of angst.


A/N: Written while getting feels-high on Richard Siken and the song 'Little Talks'. Excuse that 'Peter Pan' reference, let's pretend that the vast libraries of Ceres had a folk tale similar to it and that Fai might have come across it ;) *brick'd* There will be a sequel to cover the events in Infinity and so forth. Concrits are always welcomed with open arms!__

'Fai' could be

a) a name

b) a (corpse) twin

c) a temporary you

  
I__

But we'd be even happier if you smiled, a child, cherubic, and oddly enough, freckled despite the icy weather, had once told you.

(_And wasn't she just the picture of childish radiance?_)

_I'm not good at smiling, I'm not used to it_, you had explained then.

Ironically, it becomes a far cry in the years to pass.

II  
_  
_To distract a person is not a monumental task: you simply quirk up a blinding smile, let sweet nothings _thatneednotevenbefromtheheart_ slither through your lips in lilting soft tones, and shut your eyes (_because they are_ _traitorous little mirrors to a soul_).

All it takes is a little practice, a little gloss, a little shine (_and perhaps, a little remorse_) to humour the ladies and gentlemen that have come your way, and each acquaintance teaches you to build and mend a facade so smooth and unassumingly detached.

(_the holes riddle your heart instead_)

*

III

The king is drenched in red.

(_He is_ _a murderer_)

The king is no longer himself.

(_He is a monster_)

The king is asleep.

(_He is your ticking crocodile_)

_At least, have pleasant dreams while you sleep, _you pray.

And then, you flee.

IV

You begin a journey with a boy, a girl, a 'Mokona' -– and _such _a grouchy puppy, the girl's feathered memories becoming the main objective in this multi-dimensional treasure hunt.

(_a piece from your past clicks into play and the stakes have never been so high_)

It is straight back to business; you pull wool, cover their eyes, spin lies, and vomit idle chatter. You become a good-natured fool to three of them, and a worst nightmare to the other because nothing sets distances too far to be bridged better than idiocy.

It should not be any different from before.

(_"don't listen to a word I say" beseech your stubborn eyes, so you close them tight_)

Yet it is.

V

You discover that you have developed soft spots for an uncertain number of things.

(_like_ _impatient huffs_)

(_like tenacious brown eyes_)

(_like cheerful determination_)

(_like a tiny bundle of joy_)

(_like every single thing you are not_)

It is imperative to remember what you are really here for, and to not get carried away.

(_bad people are not supposed to like good things anyway_)

VI

'_Fai_' is not a good person.

(_he's not, he's not, he's good, he's sunshine, he's dead_)

And you are '_Fai_'.

(_just for now, never forever_)

'_Fai_' is lonely.

(_"But, I'm always happy!"_ )

And you are '_Fai_'.

(_it is killing you when the lines blur so dreadfully_)

VII

It is a tad amusing to note that despite the diverse barrage of nicknames you grace Kurogane with, he only comes up with "_idiot mage!_" in turn.

VIII

What is even more amusing is how often you both are thrown into situations together no matter the personal differences.

But too much of something or anything, has never boded well.

The ninja gets to know you better.

(_look how transparent you are now_)

*

_  
Puppies are_

a) growly

b) unruly

c) unerringly observant

*

IX

There is an old voice in your head that is holding you back.

("_what will hurt you most is your own kindness_, _Yuui_")

But it does not make any sense because when has misfortune ever been kind?

You only want the smiles upon Sakura-chan's and Syaoran-kun's faces to remain where they are. Kuro-sama is a notable exception, of course. After all, Kuro-chan is not Kuro-tan without his usual scowls.

(_so how far are you willing to keep it so?)_

X

Unexpectedly far it seems.

(_how __stupid__ reckless of you_)

*

XI

Let it never be said that you do not practice good etiquette; you make it a point to apologise to Kurogane before it got too late.

_Sorry_, you say, then force your trembling lips up.

(_it is not much of a parting gift but beggars can't be choosers_)

(_or so it was supposed to be_)

Shockingly, the ninja has other ideas: he does not let you go.

He saves you and keeps you on the face of earth instead.

XII

You do not stop people from making bridges to get to you anymore; in place, you burn them down with an enthusiasm that cannot be explained.

("_Good morning, Kurogane_")

_I'm alive, but monsters are always hungry, darling_.

- Richard Siken

__

__


End file.
